Lumley-lite was suddenly sitting opposite me and talking to me from across the room. I realised I was now in a chair and somehow I was dressed. I didn't remember dressing or moving. How did I do that?
"You look pale."
If that's your best chat up line you can forget it luv, is what I didn't say. "I'm a pasty chap anyway."
"You do look pale." Maybe she hadn't heard.
I shouted: "I'm a pasty person."
Mr Patel looked round. I realised he thought I must have been trying to speak Gujarati because I was shouting.
"You do look pale."
I gave in. "Yep, I guess I look pale. It must be something to do with having had my knee taken apart and reconstructed, and not having eaten since yesterday, and being dehydrated too."
"Oh well. Least said soonest mended."
I decided either I was going nuts or she was. I closed my eyes for what seemed like a nano-second.
"Wake up Daniel, your wife is here."
Out of the corner of my eye I saw Katie. She looked worried and I saw her mouth the words you look pale. Jesus Christ, alright already, I'm pale.
Somehow I stood up and was given a masterclass in how to use crutches. Fortunately I had experience from the three times my leg had collapsed. The nurse was now telling me loads of stuff, and for some reason I thought I knew it all already so stopped her and I hobbled along behind Katie.
We got to the lift for the car park and stood waiting. The silence seemed to be a little too long so I filled it. "Do I look pale?" She nodded. I tried out my I'm in agony and on the verge of tears face. It worked and she touched my arm in silent support. The lift came, I hobbled in.
I was actually feeling better than I expected and the drive was not too bad as I ran through what had happened since she had dropped me off in the morning.
Getting out the car at home was difficult, my leg wouldn't bend, but the Nissan Micra does not really accommodate anything other than small agile people. We managed it just and I collapsed onto the sofa.
"Are you going to sleep down here for the first night?"
"No, the nurse and physio said there was no need. They explained how to go up stairs with crutches. Good leg to heaven apparently. I think that means the same as best foot forward."
"What if you need the loo in the night?" Our bathroom is downstairs.
We both knew this moment was coming. I wanted a potty, just for number 1s, I could hold in solids till the morning, but a 2am trip down the stairs on crutches would only end one way.
There was silence. I'd practised it earlier and I knew now was the time to bring it back but with all guns blazing. I did the face of pain, the face of tears are just about to come, the face of please give in, I love you more than anything else in the world and all I want is to wee in the bed. I held the look.
It was a Mexican stand-off. Who would blink first? She did.
"Ok. But the minute you are walking again the potty goes."
"I love you. [pause] You do know you'll have to carry it down each morning?"
"You look pale."
If that's your best chat up line you can forget it luv, is what I didn't say. "I'm a pasty chap anyway."
"You do look pale." Maybe she hadn't heard.
I shouted: "I'm a pasty person."
Mr Patel looked round. I realised he thought I must have been trying to speak Gujarati because I was shouting.
"You do look pale."
I gave in. "Yep, I guess I look pale. It must be something to do with having had my knee taken apart and reconstructed, and not having eaten since yesterday, and being dehydrated too."
"Oh well. Least said soonest mended."
I decided either I was going nuts or she was. I closed my eyes for what seemed like a nano-second.
"Wake up Daniel, your wife is here."
Out of the corner of my eye I saw Katie. She looked worried and I saw her mouth the words you look pale. Jesus Christ, alright already, I'm pale.
Somehow I stood up and was given a masterclass in how to use crutches. Fortunately I had experience from the three times my leg had collapsed. The nurse was now telling me loads of stuff, and for some reason I thought I knew it all already so stopped her and I hobbled along behind Katie.
We got to the lift for the car park and stood waiting. The silence seemed to be a little too long so I filled it. "Do I look pale?" She nodded. I tried out my I'm in agony and on the verge of tears face. It worked and she touched my arm in silent support. The lift came, I hobbled in.
I was actually feeling better than I expected and the drive was not too bad as I ran through what had happened since she had dropped me off in the morning.
Getting out the car at home was difficult, my leg wouldn't bend, but the Nissan Micra does not really accommodate anything other than small agile people. We managed it just and I collapsed onto the sofa.
"Are you going to sleep down here for the first night?"
"No, the nurse and physio said there was no need. They explained how to go up stairs with crutches. Good leg to heaven apparently. I think that means the same as best foot forward."
"What if you need the loo in the night?" Our bathroom is downstairs.
We both knew this moment was coming. I wanted a potty, just for number 1s, I could hold in solids till the morning, but a 2am trip down the stairs on crutches would only end one way.
There was silence. I'd practised it earlier and I knew now was the time to bring it back but with all guns blazing. I did the face of pain, the face of tears are just about to come, the face of please give in, I love you more than anything else in the world and all I want is to wee in the bed. I held the look.
It was a Mexican stand-off. Who would blink first? She did.
"Ok. But the minute you are walking again the potty goes."
"I love you. [pause] You do know you'll have to carry it down each morning?"
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